v neck lace wedding dress

Trying to slowly ease into this “diet” thing after my shock of dress size inflation during my recent trip bridesmaid dress shopping with my friend (if you haven’t read my ordeal on Down The Hole, go read it - It’s too long to rewrite here).

So, I’ve been drinking a LOT more water, and a lot less carbonated everything. That sucks because pretty much every carbonated beverage I drink has either caffeine or alcohol in it.

Oh, also, alcohol. Did you know that drinking a bottle of wine is like eating a whole damn day’s worth of dieting calories? I mean, if I only drank ONE bottle a day, I suppose I’d be fine, but then I wouldn’t exercise, and THEN I would also want smoked Gouda cheese and prosciutto for a dinner snack, followed by some Ghirardelli sea salt caramel chocolate squares. So, yeah. No alcohol, either. v neck lace wedding dress

Carbs. Fucking carbs. Why must everything that tastes so good in the world be loaded with carbs? Pasta, bread, chips, cereal, candy, wine, good beer (also falls into the no no alcohol category), and pretty much everything that isn’t green or doesn’t breathe before you kill it.

Things I can eat and drink if I want to be skinnier suck:

Green things. I mean, people put green shit in a blender and act like it tastes good. Come on, man. It really doesn’t. The only way it’s going to taste good is if you lace it with blue raspberry vodka and some orange juice and prosecco. And that is not in any smoothie recipe I’ve found for weight loss or cleansing. Dammit, Karl! Get your shit together!!!

Other green things, and also, some orange, red, and yellow stuff. You know, mostly vegetables and fruits. But not the ones that are sugary, and definitely don’t add butter, sugar, or shit that contains carbs to the vegetables or fruits, because then you might as well have just said fuck it and had the damn wine and cheese.

Things that used to go moo... and cluck... and sometimes oink. But, only if the portion is as small as my fist. Let me tell you where the person who came up with that portion size can shove their fist.

So, in case you can’t tell, I’m grumpy, a lot of bit hangry, and thank the baby Sheezus I didn’t give up the cancer sticks just yet because I don’t look good in orange. I. DO. NOT. LOOK. GOOD. IN. ORANGE. Especially if it comes in crepe, organza, tulle, silk, or any other material made from bridesmaids’ tears.

And that’s just the first day of Scarlet’s journey down the diet hole. Stay tuned for more scenes from “Crazy Bitch Goes On A Diet,” as I have dubbed the next five months.

If nothing else, my pain will be entertaining for you. As will my cheating stories - those will come often, I have a feeling. Let’s just be real. I like wine, chocolate, and cheese far too much, and if God didn’t want us to have them, he wouldn’t have created them.

Off to read some FBI profiling research for the novel and then dream sweet Jack the Ripper dreams before my yummy egg white and dry toast breakfast with a side of Shakey shit.

# YouKnowYouWantToBeMe