old Hollywood wears for prom party

i have been a mother for 12 years 6 months and 12 days. I have been a mother of at least 2 for 10 years 6 months 28 days. I have been a mother of three for 4 years 11 months 21 days. From the start 12 years ago, even when i didnt realize it, i have been a mother to 1, then 2 and finally 3 kids with ASD. I have mommy battle scars, more emotional than physical. I have been more tired then i thought was possible, learning i could fall asleep standing up while cooking was interesting and terrifying. I have felt left behind; my kids dont play like yours, they dont talk like yours, they dont react like yours, but they do have emotions like yours. I have thrown birthday party after birthday party where no one shows up, and when they did i found out i wasnt even sure how to throw a party that my child, and the other children alike, would enjoy together. I have been left speechless, without anything comforting to say, to children who come home with accounts of their day where kids were unkind, who didnt understand my kids, or who simply chose to ignore my children when they tried to connect with them or worse, when they were seen by their peers losing control. I have watched my children grow, and reach milestones most wouldnt pay any mind to and rejoice as if i had won the lottery. I have also watched as the world treats them exactly the same, because all they remember, all they see is their moments of weakness where they didnt know how to calm themselves down, when they were just learning how to deal with something the majority were born knowing how to deal with naturally. old Hollywood wears for prom party

I have been a mommy, a makeshift ABA therapist, a student in the study of Autism for 12 years, 6 months, and 12 days. on top of everything else it takes to be a mom, I am also woman who became a mom at only 19 years old. I am someone who has made mistakes, i have felt defeated and given up for a while... Lately, with everything that has happened in the last year and a half i have been feeling like 'mommy could use a vacation'. I know i wont get one, not anytime soon at least lol. I just am putting my everything into everything and it would be nice to start seeing some returns. My saving grace is my seemingly endless well of hope. I keep chugging on, some days stronger than others, in hopes that i am going somewhere. You cant have a rainbow without some sort of rain right? It may be silly but i like to think my rainbow will be super bright one day, with this much rain it has to be. ha, its 4:00am and as usual i sill cant sleep.... I just hope tomorrow is a better day. I have to stop thinking so much at odd hours, "you cant solve the days problems in the night" is my mantra for the next however many hours or minutes before i finally find sleep. anyone who read to the end, xoxoxoxo ty for 'listening' :D i hope it was as coherent as it seems to me at this hour lmao... i wake up at 6:30 OY